Love Is Not The Same As Respect – But It Is

It seems finally in the 21st century we are putting to rest the argument on gender differences. Perhaps in this first part of the new century, it is now acceptable to acknowledge there is a difference in the genders. The women’s movement of the 60′s and 70′s provided much conversation that needed to happen, but the baby almost got thrown out with the bathwater when women forgot that being equal with men doesn’t mean that they actually ARE men. Men’s needs and women’s needs,  need – to be appropriately met for the emotional as well as physical differences that are inherent. Our brains are wired and our hearts are beating differently. Marriage is the place where these functions show up in extremes.

Gender differences effect marriage relationships at a deeper level than most folks realize. Emerson Eggerichs addresses these fundamental differences in his work, Love and Respect. It is an indepth study and practical application of the Biblical teaching from Ephesians 5. This scripture refers to much of what has been taught for centuries about marriage in pulpits and Sunday school rooms.  But somehow, we missed this teaching that Eggerichs expounds eloquently in his books, DVDS , and marriage seminars.  I encourage all to read and watch and go to any and all of these resources. He has nailed it.

The genders need different things from marriage. A man’s need for respect from his wife was obviously recognized by the author of the  Ephesian letter centuries ago. How did we miss this essential ingredient to a healthy marriage relationship? Eggerichs teaches and inspires wives to “love” their husbands by “respecting” them. And he gives specific examples and personal stories in ways to do this successfully. It will only endear men to their women. Eggerichs also explains that Ephesians 5 instruction to husbands to love their wives is a simple and earnest teaching based on their heart and mind. Husbands lack of understanding of this feminine need, reminds me of the punchline of the old joke where the clod husband tells the unhappy wife “I told you I loved you when I married you. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know!” The need to feel loved by a husband, Eggerichs explains is the deepest need for a wife, placed there by her Creator. He states that when a husband ignores this inherent part of his wife, he breaks her heart. Sometimes over and over for years and years.

Eggerichs as put legs on Ephesians 5. He makes it walk and talk and his document is one of the most practical books on marriage relationships that I have ever read. Just read it and you’ll see what I mean. It may be the best thing you’ll ever do for your marriage. Except for loving your wife and respecting your husband.

Marriage: Not For the Faint of Heart

I’m impressed. Really impressed. There have been a number of you who have challenged yourself to dig into the depths of Gary Thomas’ Sacred Marriage and I’m impressed.  And grateful.  We are going to have to change the way we view marriage if we are going to salvage God’s plan for families. The culture around us is an unfavorable environment to sustain marriage through all of its crisis, change and constancy. Society has poo-poo-ed (that’s a nicer thing to say) God’s divine directions for human kind and have taken the lower ground that man cannot support nor does man want to support the idea that a marriage should last for a life.  Those of you who are wading through the deep waters of Thomas’ material are seeing like I did the clearer message of God’s Word on marriage. That it was designed not for man’s happiness. But to bring us closer to living holy lives. Tough stuff. Not for the faint of heart, weak or self-centered narcissist. Marriage means a committed life to another. And there is nothing that can change that truth… if we truly believe in God’s Word.

Get This Book, If You Can Handle It

Gary Thomas’ Book Sacred Marriage should be in the hands and homes of every Christian family. It is a book that I recommend to my clients  -with some explanation. Not all are ready to hear the message of the author and his Inspirer. What I mean by that is some hearts are still hard and some souls are still immature and won’t receive the message as well as they should. This book is challenging, confrontational, comforting and life-changing. Much like the Message that changes all lives it touches, this book will not leave you unchanged. You will have to make some decisions about your life, your marriage and about God as you read it. Do you see why I don’t recommend it to just anyone? 

Some who picked it up couldn’t put it down until they finished it – usually within 24 hours. Another, newer book, Sacred Influence, has the same kind of response from readers. I haven’t read it yet. I’m amazed at this theologian’s writing ability. He puts into one sentence what seems so complicated to most of us and makes it seem so simple. He says that our behavior in marriage isn’t going bad because we don’t know the “how-to” but rather because we have lost the heart to love our spouse the way that we are supposed to. How simple. That if we would test our hearts, we’d find that place where we would love as Jesus commanded to do. And what is amazingly complicated in the emotional life of a relationship, becomes plain and clear when Jesus says it … and that He did it. Blaming and fault-finding serves as a distraction to not face our own responsibility in our relationships. What is God has given us our mate to finish His work on us? Wow! Read it. If you think you can handle it. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy? by Gary Thomas.

 Gary Thomas is a writer and founder of the Center for Evangelical Spirituality. He is the author of several books including Sacred Influence, Sacred Pathways, Sacred Marriage, Sacred Parenting, and the Gold Medallion Award-winning Authentic Faith.

Mature Minds Want to Know

I just don’t care anymore. I really don’t. It’s beyond my comprehension why anyone would ever want to be married to a man or woman who is self-serving and egocentric. So don’t even go there with me! I can’t imagine that anyone would ever be able to explain how they could survive marriage to an immature, child-like adult who portends to have any semblance of appropriate ideas on living well with another person for 50 years or more.

And besides what will I happen when I need to seek my own happiness? If I am responsible for my own happiness, marriage is going to be a major detriment. So I just don’t care about any discussion or arguments that may suggest that dedicating my life to the care and nurturing of another human being has any benefits to me at all.

As a bonafide adult – I’ve been through with childish things well over three decades – I hear these comments  like these fairly often and cringe. Is it any wonder that divorces are happening as often as a Taylor Swift concert? With the “me-centric” thought dominating the brains of millions of us, there is no room for the self-less volunteerism that a life-long marriage requires.  Immature people can be any age. We are surrounded by gazillions of them. And the divorce statistics reflect some of the more immature. Immaturity is marked by the concept that short-term gains are always more satisfying than aiming for and achieving long-term goals. Immaturity says that if “If I’m not happy, no one is going to be happy”. In contrast, mature thinking looks like somebody else is going to be helping somebody else out.  A wise writer (probably mature) wrote this centuries ago,

Two are better than one,
       because they have a good return for their work:

 If one falls down,
       his friend can help him up.
       But pity the man who falls
       and has no one to help him up!

 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
       But how can one keep warm alone?

  Though one may be overpowered,
       two can defend themselves.
       A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (recorded in Ecclesiates 4).

Man and woman were not made to spend a lifetime alone. They were made to be union together. God’s plan for humanity was to create family. And that began with the covenant of a man and woman in marriage for a lifetime (see  God’s Plan for Mankind: Genesis 2). When a person is mature enough to leave their father and mother’s home, they will join together in a marriage that will create a new family. And they will spend the rest of their life helping their chosen one through life – working together, keeping each other warm, picking the other up when they fall down. It’s a great plan.

For the mature among us.

What Makes Marriage Last a Lifetime?

Will love keep you together? A newlywed couple usually believes that their marriage will work as long as they love each other. And most young lovers really believe that is all there is to keeping a marriage alive and well. With this kind of belief, no wonder divorce is at the 50% rate today! Real, enduring love will keep a marriage going. But it makes a difference how you define “love”. Genuine, deep, married love is more than a feeling. Feelings are fickle. They change. And if a couple decides that they can base their marriage on how they “feel” about each other, the chances are they will not make it. Many long-married people will say that they haven’t always “felt” in love with their spouse. What these couples know is that you must keep love alive by doing things that create love. There are some essential ingredients for a loving, healthy, happy marriage. Love and intimacy don’t just happen. They have to be built and grown by the efforts that are put into the relationship. True romance isn’t about a Cinderella fairy tale with a knight on a white horse. It’s not candlelight and violins. Love is what draws a couple together, but it takes work and constant attention to the marriage for love to last. You may believe that only bad marriages have to be worked on. Not true. The best marriages are constantly being worked on, The best marriages take two people consistently investing time and energy into building real love through spiritual closeness, emotional empathy, and physical intimacy. These are the ingredients it takes to have a marriage relationship that will last through a lifetime. A marriage for a lifetime – where true love does keep you together.

What do you think it takes to stay married for a lifetime?

Join… or don’t

Join Marriage Corps, but don’t join if you have a perfect marriage.

This site is only for those travelers on the road to perfecting their relationship. Not those who already have. So, if you, like me are still struggling to make less of a mess of your married life, please hop on this journey. And if you, like me, wake up every day trying to link one day of lasting love to the next and aren’t sure if you’ll even make it through morning coffee, come on in the water won’t get too hot.

I don’t want anyone to get the message that marriage is for the faint of heart. NO IT IS NOT! A lifetime commitment to marriage is only for those folks who believe that if they didn’t do such a good job today that tomorrow is another day… and another chance at possibly doing a little bit better. It’s a fight. A struggle. And sometimes a war to be married to one person forever. I know. My husband has been married to this warrior for 34 years and I believe that he has the battle scars to prove it. He has put up with me in my worst times. He has endured my moods, my tangents, my instability, my fears, my lack of understanding, my weariness, my sickness and sins. And He has been through it with both of us. God has had our backs more times than we ever give Him the credit for. I know that if God had not carried us through some pretty tough times that our feet would have hit the ground running for the door.

What in the world does God want from this marriage anyway?

I am convinced that God wants me to be more like Him in this marriage than anywhere else. Which is why marriage is such a battle. I have flesh on. It’s getting pretty droopy in places. But as long as I fight the flesh, I’ll be battling to make my marriage holier. I don’t do God any favors most days.

So come on. What are you afraid of? Join the Marriage Corps and lets go to war together. Fighting for our marriages every single marching step.

Join Marriage Corps

Do you want to know the secrets to a lasting love? If you know what it takes to love your spouse and  make your  marriage last a lifetime, you can join the millions of marriages who have made it. The secrets are fairly simple, but they must be hard to carry out, or more people would do them, right? Well, here is the foundational secret that my husband and I have based our 34 year marriage on. I wonder if you already have an idea of what it is? What do you think would be the ultimate wisdom for a couple to base their relationship on, that would encourage them and inspire them to work through whatever life throws at them? I suspect you probably have this same philosophy in your marriage. You and your spouse have surely talked about it, knowing that without this basis for your marriage, there would have been many times where throwing in the towel would have been probable and without it you would already be apart. To have enduring dedication to a lifetime marriage requires some pretty tough people. These are  people who could have settled the west. You would have set out together to conquer a new world. Who have a tough stomach for dealing with major difficulties. Of course, it requires people to be emotionally mature and have the ability to set longterm goals and have a plan on how to achieve it. I know there are other couples out there who know this secret to the success of a longterm, lasting loving marriage.

Is it something that you deal with everyday? Maybe not. But I would say if your marriage is at least 15 years old, you’ve dealt with it at least 5 or 6 times, because marriage, like life, is full of ups and downs.  The changes that life throws at you, also are changes that a marriage has to deal with. Things like the birth of a child, job changes, moves, changing careers, loss of income, debt, devastating illness, and even death. Without a foundational philosophy that gets a relationship through these tough times, many marriages would falter. These devastating difficult situations stress the best of us. And the best marriage relationships suffer too.

Keeping romance alive and healthy through raising kids is tough too. The secret to doing that keeps a love lasting. Marriage commitment is a huge deal when you go through family stages where your kids are the dominant focus. How does any relationship survive that? Well, our secret to our marriage  surviving and thriving through over three decades of kids and dogs throwing up, countless hours of ballgames-bleacher sitting, too many tiresome hours at work, fears and worries over financial instability, many illnesses, accidents, and surgeries as well as family deaths and divorces is one thing. It’s a simple secret. But like I said, its easy to talk about these powerful wisdoms, but the doing is very hard.

Our secret to a successful, lasting, loving marriage relationship is this one thing. It is simply: Divorce is not an option.

Yep. We took that off the table the day we married. This has never, ever been one of our answers that we as a couple considered as a solution to any of our millions of problems.  It’s amazing what happens when a door like that is permanently shut. You get really resourceful. And it is amazing how it brings out your creative and courageous side. When you know that this relationship will be in my life forever, it’s amazing. When the idea that maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to ever put up with this.. or that.. again if…..  is not ever an option, it is amazing and inspiring how many other choices are available that will fix whatever is broken. Divorce — we committed to never, ever going in that direction.  But like I said it’s simple. But not easy. Or else, more of us would do it.

How about you? What is your secret?

 

This  story is the basis for Marriage Corps:

My dad was a Marine. And proud of it. Knowing the words to the Marine Hymn was a requirement for all six of us kids. Not that we wouldn’t have learned it without any coercion. He sang it when he swept the kitchen floor. Whistled it while he drove us to basketball practice. Hummed it on our way home from church. He loved that song. Mostly for what it and he stood for. Honor. Courage. Commitment. The values of the Corps.  My dad and mom celebrated their 57th  wedding anniversary 14 1/2 weeks before he died. He loved my mom. He believed in lifetime marriage. He believed in honor, courage, and commitment in marriage. He lived it outloud and on purpose every day of his life. I was privileged to see that lived out in my mom and dad’s daily life. I was around for 56 of those wedding anniversaries.

I have do doubt that he wanted me to pass on that legacy of lifetime marriage.  To live it in my own life and pass it to my own children. His influence on me was huge.

Thus, Marriage Corps. The basic values of it our commitment, courage, faithfulness, hard work in marriage. Those of us who commit and pledge support for Marriage Corps hold lifetime marriage in high esteem. We take our marriage vows seriously. It is a covenant to God before our family and friends. We don’t quit when the going gets tough. We just toughen up and do what needs to be done. We know that we owe that to our children. We establish a legacy of a lifetime of loving commitment in our generation, regardless of the heritage of our own parents’ marriage. We may be placing our own stake in the ground in our generation. We begin with our marriage for our family – a legacy of lifetime love.  That is what my dad did. He was a child of divorce. His home blown apart by a divorce when he was twelve years old. When he married my mom as a young Marine, he took the vows of the Corps seriously. He took his marriage vows seriously. And he managed his life in such a way that he honored his commitment to my mother for a lifetime.  He established in his generation a new way of doing marriage.  It was: you do this for a lifetime. You don’t quit when the going gets tough. I learned  honor, courage, commitment from him. This Marriage Corps is my way of honoring him, and my mom and their marriage for their influence, their example, their legacy of a lifetime marriage.

 

Join Marriage Corps and those couples who are dedicated to honoring their marriage covenant. Pledge to hold your marriage to the highest standard of marital faithfulness. To show respect for marriage, for your marriage partner, and for God. The Marriage Corps couples know that …their commitment to a healthy, loving, lifetime marriage will require toughness, hard work, and courage. We will pledge that for as long as we live to remain married. Be an example of a couple who believes that their  marriage is worth the work necessary to continually build a healthy relationship.